Untitled

What?!

So after reading through my very small log of old posts I realized a couple things. 1. That I rarely use tumlr, and 2. that after quite some time I am still asking the same questions about life. Let me start out though with a brite spot. I love Colorado! This place is amazing and every week or weekend is a chance to see something new or revisit the old amazing places you’ve already been to. I went caving last weekend, the 14th of March. I was sweet, we snowshoed in about 3 miles to the entrance to a cave. Ha the entry door been ornate it would’ve rivaled the entrance to a Hobit household. Instead it was a circular piece of wood that covered up the culvert and ladder that we would be wriggling down to get the depths the earth we would be exploring that day. The best part about it was that I hadn’t been inside a cave for quite some time. I used to lead groups of kid into caves when I worked for Kanakuk. Exploring a cave is one of the most unique experiences because you can’t get a grasp on what’s in there until you go ad do it. You can’t drive by and picture it, you can’t realy tell from photographs just how awesome it is and you can’t find any other pace in the world that is that dark(literally the absence of light) and that quiet. That is just one of the many adventures that you can find out here I’m sure there are other places filled with adventure as well, but this is the place I call home. On to the gloom and doom. I feel very alone here. Maybe I should just say I feel very alone. Not physically because I am surrounded by great people most of the day. I have had the privelage to lead 5 or 6 college students in a weekly bible study and I have some really great friends and an awesome roommate. However there is a longing within me that I can’t really explain. Some say that I need to get married. While yes someday I would like to be married I have some very large doubts that it is the root of this lonliness. I have struggled more over the past two years with depression that I think I ever have in my life. Enough so that I am concidering seeing a counselor about it. And even after puting alot of work into starting up Rugged Ministries I am still not sure that that is where God wants me, or maybe its not where I think I want to be. Either way there are some pretty large doubts looming over my head. So what do you do in these times? The struggle is whether to quit Rugged all together or quit my other job and jump more seriously into raising support. Support raising is a very scary wor to me. Not simply because it’s hard but because I feel you really have to be sold out on what you are doing to be able to really puthe effort in that it needs. So then that becomes my question…how sold out am I…?

Wrestling

It seems as though I am in an eternal state of wrestling with the great choices of life.  I think there have been time in the past when I have been content but these times are not those times.  I really just want to be me and let the rest fall where it may but the scary thing is that maybe I am being me.  Maybe it really is me who can’t commit, maybe it is me who lacks discipline, maybe it is me who is constantly torn in so many directions, maybe I’m not who I thought I was. 

I think it was Jacob in the Bible who wrestled with God or an angel of God.  After wrestling for a night I believe, the angel touched him on the hip and he carried a limp from then on.  I want to carry a limp.  I need a reminder.  I think we all need to remember or how else can we grow.  

I believe in hope and so I wrestle.  I wrestle to fight off complacency, I wrestle for answers and I wrestle for questions, for truth and for peace and to fight to keep hope alive.  However much of the time I feel hope fleeting away and I watch as I case after it like a child chases the balloon that has slipped his grasp.         

Little did he know

where or where does it go?  the time that is.  the entry into this thing was when I was in chicago a the start of a bright summer and future.  It’s crazy the things we plan for in life, money, success, vacation, retirement, dinner, coffee, church, a night at the pub…the list goes on and on.  

I just read entries by the only two people who I know on tumblr.  both of them I know well and they are both in huge life transitions.  i feel as though life is a transition. as soon as you get settled in there is something else, some ground breaking thing that you get thrown into or that you throw yourself into…knowingly, unknowingly, unsuspecting expectacy.  but where would we be without…it.  whatever the it is…were would we be without it.  without expectations, without girls, without guys, without outbreaks, without sleep, without insomnia, without the flu, without religion, without sarcasm, without butterflies, without snake, without humor, without pride, without humility.

what would pride come before if there were no fall to cometh after it?  and would the fall be lonely without it’s good buddy, pride?    

just thinking…

Life in general...

I am on a road to trip to raise my salary for a sweet new ministry opportunity in Denver, Colorado.  It’s called Rugged Ministries and was started by myself and a friend of mine. 

So I am in Chicago meeting old friends and trying to make new ones…looking under the rocks for the connections to make this all possible.  You know dreams take work when they touch the ground.  But they are worth dreaming and worth the work.  

Today I was with an old friend and we were chating about life as we usually do when we get together.  It’s funny because it seems like there is always another place another life or part of the current life that we are all trying to attain.  Dreams, goals, visions, fantasies, realities.  All these things blend together to create what we call “life”.  What’s the point?  Who really knows, the Bible says that we are all here to glorify God.  I’m still trying to figure out what that looks like.  

So come along, join with someone as you pursue your dreams.  Be a resource to  someone who is pursuing their dream.  Lean on someone when life gets hard, be a post for someone to lean on.  Close your mouth, open your ears and your heart, breath deep and drink it in.